Flash Fiction Mind Surreal

Bertha, are you in control of your inner pig dog?

A really short quiz format story inspired by the German term “Innerer Schweinehund” which translates to Inner Pig Dog. I think it’ll become clearer reading the piece what this means but I would say something like your inner demon. The part of you that is self-indulgent and lacking self-control. It’s certainly a big part of me so I hope you can relate and it makes you laugh a little.


This test will consist of a hypothetical situation for you to consider. Please circle the answer which you consider would be closest to your reaction in the given situation. Take your time to read the questions and answers carefully. Please try to answer honestly. You may only circle one answer.

Q: You are really trying to diet but you’re at Marjorie’s 30th Birthday party. You are surrounded by food and hateful middle-aged women (who are much healthier than you). How do you cope with your cravings?

A). You manage to resist the sumptuous finger-buffet all night (even though you can barely take your eyes off the cocktail sausages for more than two-seconds) but you drink nearly twelve margaritas and end up eating a huge slice of Marjorie’s bespoke birthday cake (candles almost included) whilst being dragged out howling, “your cake is shit like your fake fake face.”

B). You know you cannot control your need for cocktail sausages so you snatch a few and spend the next two hours tenderly nipping at them (whilst keeping yourself occupied snarling at the glittery women surrounding you). After you finish your cocktail sausages, you waltz over to thesize 6 lady who is perpetually complaining about her “belly roll,” expose your rolls, flab them around and snort “she’s welcome to a few.”

C). You repeat the word “cankles” over and over again like a mantra and resist eating or drinking anything but water all night. The Birthday cake is cut and everyone has a slice, except you. Some
of the guests notice, they keep tempting you, whilst telling you, “you’re just gotten a bit curvy, it’s understandable,” and “you didn’t suit being skinny anyway.” Still you stay strong, but they are relentless, eventually you end up screaming the word “cankles” whilst mushing your hand into the remains of the cake.

D). You turn up, remember how much you still hate her, swiftly fill your bag with stolen finger-foods and go home to binge-watch BoJack with your cat.

E). All of the above (and you may also drunkenly hit on Marjorie’s new skinnier “bestie” and smear chocolate cake on her tiny white dress).

F). None of the above. You have learnt not to bark at, ruthlessly restrain or chase away your inner pig dog, and, anyways, never in a million years would you be stupid enough to go to Marjories 30th, you know your inner pig dog cannot cope and come to heel when anywhere near such shallow bitches

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